The Panty Line’s Revenge

Posted on | 8 months, 1 week ago, in the late evening | 13 Comments

Last year I did a rather long, involved blog entry about my problems with Victoria’s Secret underwear. You can read that post here, if you are so inclined. It may or may not be safe for work, depending on your workplace policy toward looking at underpants with weird objects jammed into the weird crotch-pocket for the sake of internet hilarity.

To sum it up quickly: I used to be a huge devotee of Victoria’s Secret underwear. Then, about five years ago, something changed. Now their underwear is terrible – badly cut, cheaply made, and guaranteed to fall apart in the wash. To hell with it, that’s what I say.

I suppose my old post has been making some rounds, somewhere – because as of late, people have been emailing to ask me if I ever found suitable replacement underwear … and if so, hows about I do an update post? Inquiring minds want to know. Apparently.

So all right, here goes.

Since April of last year, when I made that post and vowed to find other acceptable hiney-hiders, I have spent (by my best guess) about $200 in my quest … almost entirely at (a). the mall, and (b). Target. Ergo, this is not exactly an exhaustive expedition, funded by some fat government grant. It’s a couple hundred bucks, dolled out in nickles and dimes, over the course of more than a year.

(Honestly, I have never spent this kind of money on underwear before in my life. That’s the kind of number that used to keep my top drawer stocked for a decade. But desperate times, etc. etc. etc.)

And here we go. I’ll work my way up from the far outside edges of marginal acceptability under special circumstances … to the panties I actually like quite well. I would start with the items that failed utterly on every level, but honestly, I didn’t keep them around. They did not deserve a place of honor alongside my cute bras and awesome novelty knee socks. Therefore: Jettisoned.

Let’s just get the really embarrassing undergarments out of the way up front, shall we? We begin with the dreaded Granny Panties. Because sometimes the husband is out of town, you’ve finished a bottle of wine by yourself, and Fox is running a John Hughes marathon, so it’s not like you’re leaving the house anytime soon.

To be clear: These underthings will not get you laid.

They will get you laughed at when the UPS guy shows up with a delivery and you’re too tipsy to remember to close your robe. Or maybe he’ll be laughing at your Wonder Woman tee shirt with the ketchup stain. Either way, lucky him. He’s in for a show.




To give you some frame of reference, my 12-pound cat could use these bad-boys for a sleeping bag. I tried to create the opportunity to prove it, but even she didn’t want to hang out anywhere near them.

Those are Hanes “low rise” (ha.) cotton briefs. Funny, right? I mean, you’d think something called “briefs” would be a little smaller than your average kite. But you’d be wrong. Well, haters gon’ hate. Don’t wear these with low-rise pants, but they’re delightful under pajama bottoms with bats on ‘em.

Next up – another Hanes offering, this time the cotton bikinis.




Much smaller, and more “daintily” cut. Like their heftier brethren (sistren?) they’re made of pleasantly stretchy and super-soft cotton, and they’re very good about staying out of your buttcrack. If you’ll pardon my French.

If you’re feeling cheekier (WOCKA WOCKA) you can try this next Hanes style.



These are “no ride up” hipsters, and the “no ride up” bit is a bit disingenuous. They don’t ride up because they sit perfectly halfway up your ass – which is fine, so long as you’re wearing a loose skirt. Under jeans or any other more fitted outerwear, they’ll drive you crazy … working their way north into your favorite south-of-the-border smile. This mostly because the leg-holes are cut for the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

I thought about putting them on and showing you, but then I came to my senses and reached for something of a comparable shape. And THAT will teach my husband to leave his motorcycle helmet lying around in our bedroom.




See? Look at that. These are size small, and they’re designed to straddle a pair of redwoods. But I like them because I have a number of long, loose-fitting skirts, and they have a rather charming shape to them. Each to her own, that’s what I say.

And I swear to God, these next ones are the last to come from Hanes. (What can I say? They’ve done me right, more or less – beating out a number of department store brands, which I’ll get to later. And they don’t have MEGA ITCHY waist bands like Fruit Of The Loom.) My favorites from Hanes are these cute little numbers – from the “stretch lace” line. They’re well made and well cut, with virtually no panty-line and pretty styling.

These are the briefs. I think. Maybe the bikinis. Can’t recall.




The point is, they do not creep into your warm and nestly bits. Seriously. I am impressed, pleased, and prepared to recommend them without reservation. Mine came from Target and, like all the others from this same company, cost about eight bucks for a multi-pack of three. If you’re on a budget but you want sturdy, attractive underthings that hold up great in the laundry, this is my chief suggestion.

But if you’re willing to drop a little more coin, allow me to direct you to American Eagle. There, I’ve found a fine assortment of cute, comfortable, largely un-ride-upping underthings – including a few sexy ones. This batch is my favorite from a comfort standpoint.




I don’t know what the formal word for this style is; I yanked them off a table because they looked promising and I was feeling adventurous. The leg-holes were pretty small, they were low-rise and kicky, and I was willing to take a stab at them even though that middle pair is covered in bees. Don’t get me wrong – like the rest, they’re soft and stretchy, and they fit nicely even under fitted pants. But bees?

I like bees. I want good things for bees, and Lord knows they’ve got problems right now, what with that whole “colony collapse disorder” thing. But patterning my fanny? Not sure how I feel about that.

(I try to put them on right out of the shower, before I put my glasses back on – so it just looks like I’m wearing pretty green panties with very fuzzy polka dots that would never consider swarming my nether-regions like a low-lying fog bank.)

These last ones are kind of hot. Same company, same table. But now with Bonus! lace that aims the arrow line of a “V” just below your belly button.




The only problem is – the stretchy lace at the top is a little more fragile than the cotton. When you go to pull them on or up, careless fingers might puncture the lace as you tug it back into place. Or maybe you aren’t as clumsy as I am. Perhaps you drink less.

Anyway, American Eagle underwear runs 7-8 pairs for $25 (I forget which it is, 7 pairs or 8 pairs – sorry). That makes them a smidge more expensive, but not outrageously so. And they’re worth the money. They hold up just fine in the laundry; and they’re cut high enough to cover your happy trail, but low enough to keep even the plainest patterns from looking frumpy.

I recommend it over a number of other mall/chain stores’ offerings. Most disappointingly: The Gap – Ordinarily pretty reliable for simple basics, but their underwear is cut for people made out of pick-up-stix. As far as I can tell. Look, I’m 5 ft. 5 inches tall and I weigh about 105 pounds. I don’t need a whole lot of fabric in order to cover everything important … but the styles are freaking ridiculous. They won’t stay on, up, or in position. And something about the stretchy fabric doesn’t hold its shape. They’re too small, yet too loose. A paradox, I know. But what can you do?

Right! Well.

There you have it. Those are the results of my quasi-exhaustive quest to not pick cotton out of my hoo-hah. If you have any recommendations you’d like to throw into the mix, feel free to contribute them in the comments.

:)

Category: misc

Comments

13 Responses to “The Panty Line’s Revenge”

  1. missoularedhead
    June 19th, 2011 @ 10:22 pm

    Might I also recommend the JCPenney line known as Flirtitude? They are mighty comfy, and stay PUT!

  2. Duncan Holmstrom
    June 19th, 2011 @ 10:47 pm

    Ah, interesting results… Don’t let the fucked-to-death pile of burning filth that I look like now fool you; at one point I did INDEED work in the clothing/fashion business. That being said, I’m of the firm belief that whatever we can do, those damn limeys can do better:

    http://www.agentprovocateur.com

  3. Jared
    June 19th, 2011 @ 11:00 pm

    I’m sorry, after the bees bit, all I could think of was Eddie Izzard: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs-tl6GBOBo

    I can’t believe I’ve only now discovered your blog. Do you use posts like this as writing exercises?

  4. Lucretia Pruitt
    June 19th, 2011 @ 11:56 pm

    After years of sticking with a tried-and-true style, I find I’m over it. I was in stitches over your panty-pocket postings.
    But it’s not that funny when you keep having to shell out money to discover that nope… that’s not going to cut it either.
    At the moment? I’m desperately trying to figure out what the 2 pair I have that I’m in-love with are. You’d think they’d put the style # inside – but no… It’s driving me crazy. Not too surprisingly? They’re Hanes. Of which there are 5 dozen varieties – none of which fit the information I do have about what they should be.
    Of course, the box, which I’d carefully saved – got carefully thrown away by my husband. Because, you know… why would anyone save an empty box? ;)

  5. Leslie
    June 20th, 2011 @ 4:36 am

    My issues with VS were similar to yours and those of some of the commenters on your previous post.

    I am not 22. I am a 38C and XL. I prefer cotton bras. The latter in particular apparently makes me anathema to VS.

    I stopped shopping at VS when, even though they still manufactured cotton bras, they stopped stocking them in the stores. At least the store where I lived at the time. The clerks were downright rude about it, too.

    I tried Cacique, but the construction/quality is highly variable. At least they have cotton bras, and the underwear doesn’t have the hidden pocket. I am beginning the hunt anew.

  6. Sarah
    June 20th, 2011 @ 6:17 am

    This was actually enormously helpful — I haven’t run into too many underwear reviews (not that I’ve done a lot of searching either, to be fair…).

    Also, hilarious. Love it.

  7. Danie
    June 20th, 2011 @ 6:42 am

    Ah the ongoing battle of the underoos. I found this to be a very informative article. I thought I was the only one who noticed the quality defect of Victoria Secret’s undies. I had a lingerie shower before I got married on the notion that I owned no cute or sexy panties- now I own quite a few and I don’t want to wear them because they are so uncomfortable and more often than not impracticable. Thanks for helping me find the middle ground lol.

  8. Cherie
    June 20th, 2011 @ 8:53 am

    missoularedhead: Haven’t had any luck with Penny’s. I picked up a few super-cute pairs from them, but they fell apart. See also: Express.

    Duncan: I love the AP stuff, but it’s mostly made for looking awesome rather than wearing by people who work from home. Also: pricey. But fantastic, yes!

    Jared: I’m familiar with that bit, yes :)

    Lucretia: Yes – I should’ve mentioned that. Hanes is bad about not marking the STYLE in the label. Which seems perfectly ass-backward, to me.

    Leslie: I used to have fairly good luck with Cacique, but I don’t live anywhere near one anymore, and I won’t buy that kind of thing off the ‘net.

    Sarah: Happy to be of service.

    Danie: No, you are not alone. In fact, if you click to the first post from last year, you’d see you REALLY aren’t alone…

  9. Becky Boodle
    June 20th, 2011 @ 9:17 am

    Too funny!! Having lost 60 pounds in the past few months I can truly understand the quest for good underwear — so needed this laugh today!!!

  10. TJ Hollingsworth
    June 20th, 2011 @ 11:53 am

    I’m glad to see I’m not the only one on the hunt for a new panty brand!
    I originally started shopping at VS for the bras. I’m a 34DD. Hard to find something that fits right. Eventually started buying panties there too.
    But lately they just don’t measure up in quality, even the bras. The last few pairs of panties I bought literally fell apart, two different pairs collapsed while I was wearing them! How embarrassing is that!?
    And that pocket? UGH! I hate that thing!
    The only reason I can see for having it is for super-secret-spies to hide stuff. Seriously, what better place to hide a wire if your undercover as a stripper!LOL!
    As for bras I’m considering going back to wearing Nursing Bras, the kind with the flap.
    They may not be so attractive, but I’m not concerned about impressing the delivery guy.

  11. Tiffany
    June 20th, 2011 @ 12:35 pm

    As a cross dresser going on a budget thanks a lot for this review. I wonder if the motorcycle helmet Hanes are built off men’s briefs and might work best for me.

  12. Mary
    June 20th, 2011 @ 1:22 pm

    Oh, GODS. Just so you know, my cable modem got taken out in a storm Sunday morn, coinciding with my car not being drivable. So the car is currently at Goodyears, and I’m next door at the McDonald’s grabbing lunch and taking advantage of the free Wi-Fi. And laughing my eyes out at the post. People are giving me looks. *grin*

    Anyways, you remind me of a very funny underwear issue with an ex of mine that I just have to share. I had finally convinced him to give up his much-cherished tighty-wighties and get some boy bikini briefs in various colors and patterns. And he was studying massage therapy, the uniform of which was a pair of white scrub pants and a blue scrub top. Not normally see-through, so everything was fine.

    We stopped by his moms after I picked him up from class one night (we shared my car), and he insisted on leaving a pot of split-pea soup balanced up on the dash while we were inside visiting with his mom, against my warnings that it was going to spill. Well it was fine – until he got back in the car, and it spilled right into his lap. He had me run back inside to ask his mom for a towel (to avoid as much as possible spilling soup into the car interior), and she came out with me and watched as he extricated himself. Once he was fully out of the car and gathering the shreds of his dignity, his mom got a funny look on her face and asked him, “Are you wearing *striped* panties?!?!” He blushed a deep scarlet and stuttered at her. OMG I DIED ON THE SPOT. I couldn’t breathe or stand I was laughing so hard. Shortly thereafter his mom joined me leaning against the hood for support as she herself collapsed in a fit of the giggles.

    So there ya go – another funny panty story. *grin*

  13. Wahiaronkwas
    June 21st, 2011 @ 5:27 pm

    I’ve never read a panty narrative that was so engrossing. Thank you for providing me with alternatives to the fragile Fruit of the Looms. \o/

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