The Dark Knight: Almost

Posted on | 3 years, 6 months ago, around lunchtime | 7 Comments

A few words on the theater-going experience: It sucked. People brought babies — yes, babies, the wailing kind who are terrified of the Joker — and the auditorium was chock full of people who had, as far as I could tell, never seen a movie before in their lives. In particular, the people seated behind us behaved as if they’d often heard a movie described, but had never actually been faced with one in person.

I shit thee not when I say that neither one of these idiots appeared to be even vaguely aware of what movie they were attending. I think maybe they’d wandered into the auditorium with a gas can, seeking directions to the oceanfront property they’d been promised in Idaho, and then the lights went out and they couldn’t find an exit so they found a couple of empty seats and made themselves comfortable.

Sample dialogue:

Him: Man, look at that guy! What’s he’s wearing!
Her: It’s some kind of suit. Is that some kind of suit? I think it’s a suit.
Him: I don’t know what’s up with all the muscles and padding.
Her: Me either. He looks retarded. He’s a retard.
Him: Totally. A total retard. Look at that retard. Only retards dress like that.
Her: OMG what’s he doing? What’s he doing?
Him: Fuck, what’s that guy doing?
Her: Look at that! It just totally blew up!
Him: What? Where? What blew up?
Her: That thing, that building, or whatever. It blew up. I saw it.
Him: I saw it too. Batman had something to do with it.
Her: What did?
Him: What?
Her: That thing you just said.
Him: What?
Her: That thing you said. I don’t know what that is.
Him: What what is?
Her: What you said. A batman? What’s a batman?
Him: It’s not the dude with the makeup. It’s the retard in the suit.
Her: The dude with the glasses?
Him: No, not him.
Her: The other guy?
Him: Yeah, the other guy. Not the dude with the makeup.
Her: Why not?
Him: I don’t think Batman wears makeup. I think that dude with the makeup is dead.
Her: Dead? He doesn’t look dead.
Him: No, I mean he died. Before the movie came out.
Her: What’s he like, a transvestite or something? I don’t get it.
Him: Look at that ugly chick. I hope she dies.
Her: She totally deserves to die. She’s a slut.
Him: You said it. Total slut.

[Ad infinitum]

And as if these two weren’t enough to clear the theater with the sheer stink of stupid, some young couple with two very small children had set up camp at the other end of the auditorium — with their two or three year old toddler, and an infant who was about a year old. Once or twice, the dad(?) removed the baby briefly when other people in the theater started yelling, “Take that goddamned baby outside” … but he always came back.

The older child was allowed to wander back and forth along the aisles and rows of (occupied) seats and play with a set of Matchbox cars [:: vrooom. vrroom. VRROOOOOOM! pew pew pew pew! ::] and every time things got loud the infant would bellow in terror, and I sat on the verge of homicidal mania for the duration of this 2-1/2 hour long movie.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people.
You’re watching a MOVIE. You know how to BEHAVE.

It’s not some bewildering foreign luncheon with thirteen forks, a roll of silver knives, and a pair of gilded chopsticks beside your plate; you don’t need to speak Klingon or juggle chain saws. All you have to do is SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP. SERIOUSLY, IT’S NOT THAT DIFFICULT. And if for some reason these directions are too complex or demanding? Then you need to find something else to do with your free time. Go home and sniff glue or lick the cat’s ass, I don’t care — but stay out of the theater and leave the rest of us in peace.

Okay. [:: sigh ::] [:: cleansing breath ::]

I realize this did not turn out to be a review of The Dark Knight, and I do intend to write one, but not right now. Suffice it to say, I enjoyed the movie’s content if not its audience; and I’ll try to think of something smart later on.

But for now, I need to go have a nice hot cup of tea. Believe it or not, this isn’t actually the note upon which I want to begin my work-week.

Category: misc

Comments

7 Responses to “The Dark Knight: Almost”

  1. lynD
    July 21st, 2008 @ 3:21 pm

    I howled with sympathy at your post. Lord love a duck, but the stupid sure spoil good time.

    I hope it was good, I hope it was good…

  2. Corey J Feldman
    July 21st, 2008 @ 3:46 pm

    On the plus side, not sure how much life is left in the cinema.

    People have such a sense an entitlement and common courtesy seems to have gone out of style.

  3. David Niall Wilson
    July 21st, 2008 @ 3:55 pm

    I share your horror at the level things have dropped to. Our local theater, while small, would have kicked them out eventually, particularly the ones with the small children playing with matchbox cars…but they seem to have no trouble with those finding a discussion of Ricky Rudd and Dale Jr. more important than the film…

    I need my own theater at home.

    DNW

  4. Cyndy
    July 21st, 2008 @ 5:18 pm

    I wish I had words to describe how much I loathe experiences such as those at the theater, but honestly my outrage is such that I can’t quite grasp the full use of the English language. I seriously don’t know how people can’t understand how to be in a movie theater sometimes — and who in their right mind brings an infant to a Batman movie? (Or any movie, really?)

  5. Cherie
    July 21st, 2008 @ 7:56 pm

    The mind, it boggles. But yes, y’all — at least I mined a little comic value out of it, I guess. Even the worst situations can make for decent blog fodder, right?

  6. wil
    July 21st, 2008 @ 11:58 pm

    At least you got a great blog post out of it. If I was in your shoes, all I’d get out of it is a mug shot.

  7. Cherie
    July 22nd, 2008 @ 11:48 am

    Wil, have you ever seen the “Two A-holes” sketches on SNL? Think along those lines. Only with more stupid.

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