Being Polite: Not That Hard
Posted by Cherie | Posted in misc | Posted on 2 years, 5 months ago, around lunchtime
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Because this has sort of been stuck in my craw since yesterday, I’ll go ahead and make a public note of it here. I’ve mentioned it before — how I hurriedly changed my Tennessee license to a Washington State one because of the intensely negative reactions it garnered; and since I’ve also changed my car’s tags to local ones, my out-of-town origins don’t come up so much anymore.
But if you go out of your way to ask where I moved to Seattle from, and I tell you “Tennessee,” the appropriate reaction is not, “EWWW. God, I’m sorry.”
I tend to augment these forced confessions with the fact that I’m actually from Florida, which seems to put the askers at ease — as if Tennessee were a place without plumbing, cable, or toothbrushes, and at least Florida has like, roller coasters or something. I used to back-peddle like this because the reflexive snobbery made me feel uncomfortable and defensive in a, “Christ, please don’t spit in my food” kind of way. But now I do it because twelve years of marinating in southern manners prevents me from responding with the first thing that pops to mind, i.e., “You can kiss my ass.” For heaven’s sake, I’m not a refugee — and I’m not a visiting dignitary from a third world country.
But if I indulged this bit of petty backtalk it would only confirm the worst stereotypes and validate that rude reaction to other incoming southerners, and I don’t want that on my head.
Anyway, in the interest of education (so I cannot say that I did not try), here’s a little primer for folks who aren’t instinctively polite when confronted with an answer that they, personally, find distasteful. Some suitable sample responses to, “I moved here from Tennessee*” might include,
Quasi-Acceptable By Virtue of Self-Awareness: “Tennessee? I’ve never been there and have no credible reason for thinking you’re an illiterate cousin-snogger, so I’ll just assume that you’re a civilized human being like myself and behave accordingly.”
Good: “Oh really? Tennessee. That’s nice.”
Better: “Tennessee, huh? I hear it’s a beautiful place.”
Best: “Oh really? Welcome to the northwest! We hope you like it here.”
See? It’s not that hard.
* Or West Virginia, or California, or Tacoma. Insert your personal prejudice here.
Whilst not wishing to criticise the substance of what you prefer as good/better/best, can I at least quibble slightly? Your best option kind of assumes you’re new or not yet settled in some fashion. Possibly just a “you’ll always be where you’re from, rather than where you are” attitude that tends to annoy me a little.
I realise that’s open to interpretation and local customs. Maybe in the Southern US — where I’ve never been, but I’ve heard it’s lovely and the three horror books I’ve read that were set there were great — you always are “from the south”, regardless of where you now live.
I got a lot of the same when I was in Arkansas; anytime anyone would ask where I was from and I’d say “New York” they’d react like I was going to pull a gun on them and steal their life savings. Yet, for all the talk that NYers are rude and morally corrupt and whatever else – I met ten times as many people who fit those descriptions down in Little Rock. That coupled with a rather large lack of the “good, ole southern hospitality” truly blew my mind in terms of stereotypes. :) Oh, and the food . . . I definitely wasn’t expecting so much fried food covered in gravy or whatnot.